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patrice smile

The woman pictured above — single, in her 20s, employed, intelligent, articulate, all great things to be in the dating world — posted an article on xoJane about how she cannot get anyone on dating sites to even message her back.

I have good news for her: this is an easy problem to solve. But first, let’s discuss the problem.

If that is her profile pic, what on earth did she expect? I would left swipe too. She’s 26 going on 40. She presents as the mom of the guys her own age. She is PTA, minivans and cul-de-sac McMansions to guys in their 20s who are looking for beer, bachelor crash pads and seductresses straight out of Maxim magazine. Her text description goes on about cooking, iced coffee, her 4-year-old niece and Muppets, a description which surely was as attractive to men, as a guy going on about World of Warcraft and My Little Pony would be to women. This is not a knock on her physical attractiveness at all as she does has a lot to work with — I get that she isn’t a size 0, but that is no excuse to get no action. It’s more a knock what she’s doing with what she’s got.

In other words, she is following the worst dating advice possible. She is being herself.

If you get right down to it, few of us are really first-date material. Imagine two people going in to a first date as if they were married for 10 years, talking about the mundane bullshit they really care about instead of putting up the expected first-date facade — both would be activating their emergency escape plans before the appetizers arrived.

Yeah sure, most men are going to be into video games, sports, zombies and weird sex fantasies of one kind or another, whereas most women like the author above are going to be into pumpkin spice lattes, watching Hulu with the cat and Nutella. But just as guys learn the hard way to keep their nerdiness or weirdness out of the picture the first few dates, so girls too must learn to keep their basic-ness out of sight and out of mind until the relationship has already started.

I mean, yes, we guys all know in the back of our minds that eventually, the relationship will get to the point where the heels, the racy panties and the wild nights out will be retired in favor of sensible shoes, granny panties and evenings binge-watching Netflix… we just would prefer to keep the fantasy alive for as long as possible. Similarly, I’m sure women would prefer to keep the inevitable discovery of his Madden habit, porn stash and Walking Dead obsession to as late a date as possible.

If we were all upfront about who we were right off the bat, the human race would cease to procreate.

So, on to the easy answer to her problem: Stop being herself on her profile. The rest follows.

Ditch the PTA-mom pic from above in favor of something inspired by an Esquire photo shoot. Let the hair down (she has long hair, although her profile pic would never let you know), show herself out with friends and having fun in life, and lower herself to showing cleavage. It’s sad how men are, but one cannot overstate the effect cleavage has on us — letting the girls out to play pretty much never fails. Emphasize in her profile how much she loves nights of fun, partying, not wanting kids anytime soon, and living life carefree. Of course it’s all bullshit, same as the profiles of the guys she wants to respond to her. It’s just how the game is played. There really should be a disclaimer or something on okcupid, but either way, just wait until you “seal the deal” before the presentation of your peanut-butter smoothies and Muppet collection. Perhaps then, he would finally feel comfortable to lay on you the 420 habit and NY Giants fanaticism he’s been hiding. Ah, relationships.