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1. It will be gridlock as far as the eye can see. There will be a flood of absolutely wingnut bills coming across that Obama will be furiously vetoing, and because the Cruz-approved bills will be so insane, every Dem senator will help the vetoes hold. Whats more, the Republicans WANT Obama to be vetoing their bills. They have no problems making themselves look bad as long as it makes the hated president look bad too. But hey, I’d prefer gridlock over a Ted Cruz-approved rush of bills to cut taxes on the rich, raise taxes on the poor and enact voter suppression targeted at minorities.

2. Florida voters have re-elected freaking Lex Luthor himself as Governor. Next, I suppose, will be his inevitable run for the presidency. But like so many of these elections, Dems have only themselves to blame, nominating a completely soulless, turncoat sociopath named Charlie Crist that Florida voters have already rejected once. A pity John Edwards wasn’t available.

(My fellow citizens, we will take back America, lower taxes and crush Superman once and for all!)

3. Speaking of self-sustained injuries, let us talk about one Martha Coakley. A completely colorless, humorless hack of a career politician, nominated for higher office simply because she and the establishment agreed it was “her turn,” she was the one who allowed a Republican to steal Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat in the most liberal state of the Union in 2010. There was pretty much zero grassroots enthusiasm for this woman outside of the Mass. Democratic establishment, and the lack of pull rivaled that of John Kerry’s in the 2004 election. Seriously, the Dems could have nominated Michael Dukakis and they would have retained that seat in 2010. So after that crushing defeat, who did the Dems put up for Governor of this bluest of blue states this year? Why… Martha Coakley. With utterly predictable and humiliating consequences. It’s like Rex Ryan constantly starting Geno Smith week after crushing week… only, even Ryan eventually gave up on his loser. Why can’t the Bay State?

4. Anyone who thought Kansas could have turned blue was seriously deluding themselves. Yes, it was a nice, pleasant delusion, to be sure… On a personal note, I remain glad that I voted with my feet and got the hell out of there. Kansas’ descent from the sober, stiff-upper-lip Republicanism of Eisenhower, Kassenbaum and Dole to this insanity is a tragedy that hits home.

5. Obama will grant amnesty to illegal immigrants via executive order during the lame-duck session. Republicans will pretend to be furious, but privately, they’ll be glad because their biggest donors will be glad to have the issue taken care of. The super-rich and the economic conservatives they control influence are to the left of freaking La Raza on this. They will be delighted at the surge of cheap labor coming across our southern border which will help depress wages of the working class even further. And with amnesty passed, they will no longer need to press Republicans on the matter, and so Republicans can pretend to be furious about Obama’s amnesty all day long without bothering their donors or PACs. And with a big enough minority in the Senate able to uphold any veto, the Dems can protect it and declare themselves paragons of diversity and multiculturalism. Everybody wins. Well, everybody besides us plebes, of course.

6. I sense the base already starting to turn on Rand Paul, now that the 2016 season has begun and that party unity can be dispensed with. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is absolutely, positively no chance our bipartisan Establishment would ever allow Paul anywhere near a national ballot. Not because of his views on taxes or foreign policy or this or that. Rather, because he is viewed as an unreliable when it comes to protecting the Establishment and their interests. This is as opposed to Jeb Bush, who like his namesakes (and like his Democratic opponent, awaiting her coronation) considers protecting the Establishment priorities 1, 2, and 3. So therefore, the Republican base will be induced to reject Rand Paul. Conservative media establishments will paint him as a RINO. Rush and Hannity will denounce him. George Will will tut-tut about him. And so Republican voters will reject him in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, in favor of Jeb or perhaps someone equally inoffensive to our bipartisan elites. Even self-proclaimed Tea Partiers who loved him prior. They will pull the lever for someone interested in protecting the Establishment and sticking it to the Tea Party plebes. That’s how it works. And this isn’t strictly limited to Republicans, either: any Dem foolish enough to try and (seriously) challenge Hillary would get the same treatment from MSNBC, NY Times, etc. (Although they would not take a vanity campaign amiss.)

7. After all that, I probably need to browse some lol-cat .gifs. Enjoy the next two years!