Now with each party’s nominee coming into focus, it’s time to decide whom to vote for in November. Here, I helpfully make recommendations tailored to each major voting bloc. Remember to vote, because your way of thinking is the only correct way of thinking, everyone!
Who you are: You know that real change will happen through the boardroom and not the picket line. You only wish other liberals had your understanding that real change happens from within the system, and the system is only built for winners. You spent your youth as one long college application to the correct schools, majored in the correct sort of liberal arts, and applied for jobs in the correct cities such as NYC, Austin, or Portland. Or you went with the acceptable variation of majoring in something tech in Stanford, only dropping out after your sophomore year to pursue your startup dreams. You love complaining about your rent on Twitter and Snapchat because nothing says you’re of the correct class, than living in a city with a rent worth complaining about. You always have the correct app before the media ruins it, and likewise you listen to the correct bands before Pitchfork ruins them. The fact that your bands’ members are always whiter than Pottery Barn’s customer base is immaterial; you love to lord it over everyone you know how correct your politics are. If you’re female, the show Girls speaks to you on some level nobody else can understand. If you’re male, you’re probably listening to a Thom Yorke-centered playlist as you read this, and you probably have informed someone within the past 24 hours of the superiority of either vinyl records, or film cameras, or most likely, both.
Whom to vote for in a battleground state: Are you kidding? You’ve practically lived your whole life for this moment. #ImWithHer!
Whom to vote for in a non-battleground state: Same as above; it’s less about making a difference and more about telling everyone that you’re making a difference, and the latter is the whole point of activism anyway, right?
Who you are: You’re most likely reading this after a frustrating call with your Hillary-voting mom, and went googling for more arguments. You are sick and tired of machine politics where there is no difference between the Dem and the GOP establishment; but at the same time, you are not just like Ralph Nader voters in 2000 because this is different. You’ve never met an urban protest you didn’t like, and you wear your arrests as badges of honor. You don’t live in the above cities favored by Liberal Globalists, however — your parents were priced out long ago, and gentrification is a particular favorite topic of yours. You most likely live in or near a declining city like St. Louis or Baltimore; if you do live in NYC, you’re probably protesting at this very moment against crooked landlords in the Bronx. You often think wistfully of Selma, and worry you’ll never have a moment to compare. You listen to a mix of music including (in chronological order, from your college freshman year on) reggae, house, indie rap and Bollywood; but at the same time, nothing could ever inspire you as much as Rage Against The Machine did when you were a kid. Also, there is a better than 50/50 chance you raved to someone about Elizabeth Warren in the past week. You hate, hate, hate redneck conservative Christians / Republicans (same thing, really!) who are bigoted and misogynistic, but when someone brings up conservative Islamists being bigoted or misogynistic, you change the subject to Israel. You tell everyone at the campus sit-in your favorite show is Empire, even though the only show you actually keep up with is The Walking Dead.
Whom to vote for in a battleground state: I’m sorry, this sucks, but you have to vote for Hillary. Warhawk, sellout, Goldman-Sachs Hillary. Partly because Bernie will not be going third-party. But mostly because Trump makes her look like goddamn Rosa Luxemburg by comparison. If being held up for public scorn at your next Fight for $15 rally for your vote, tell them that the alternative is the guy who wants to ban Muslims from entering the country, who wants to nuke the noble freedom-fighters of ISIS who are only responding to colonial American imperialism, and who probably only buys his coffee from giant corporate chains.
Whom to vote for in a non-battleground state: Oh yeah! If you live in Delaware or Alabama, your November vote doesn’t mean shit anyway, so time to let your freak flag fly! #VoteGreen
Who you are: You too know that real power extends from the boardroom — good thing your Pop-Pop is chairman of said board. If male, you are being groomed by Pop-Pop to sit on the board of whichever corporations you choose, and you know in your heart it’s because you deserve it. Your money is hard-earned for being born to the right parents, and you’ll be damned if you let some big-government liberals take any of it through their estate tax! At the same time, your endless wars need to be paid for, so the most rational course of action is to raise the sales tax across the board because you are sick and tired of those lazy poors with their stupid Walmart cashier jobs not paying enough tax. You have a honest-to-God visceral love of the Bush clan because they represent what America should be, and the greatest crime of this election cycle was how idiot middle-management Republican voters wouldn’t sit down, shut up, and vote for Jeb like they were supposed to. You profess a love of guns when asked, but really, that sort of stuff is for your cul-de-sac’s private security guards to worry about; similarly, abortion is horrific, but at the same time, let’s not bring up what happened that time after your girlfriend Becky from the Tri-Delts missed her period. Also, unlike some Republicans, you definitely aren’t racist; after all, your nanny growing up was named Consuela! If male, your favorite show remains Entourage, because, duh! If female, it’s really anything on HGTV, because ain’t it tho? Your favorite music remains hardcore hip-hop that you turn down low when a black person is walking by. Out of respect, you see.
Whom to vote for in a battleground state: When your local Republican chairman asks, you of course will answer that you’ll stay loyal to the party. But in reality, you’ll be secretly voting for Hillary. Hell, she has your best interests at heart 90% of the time, and the rest of her blathering about trans rights and feminism and guns and all that? That meaningless crap is for the rubes anyway! When it comes to stuff that matters, you know she’ll lie down and play dead if a GOP congress passes an estate tax repeal. And the massive expansion of Middle Eastern war will keep the revenue flowing at the military contractors Pop-Pop sits on the boards of.
Whom to vote for in a non-battleground state: Maybe your state will let you write in Jeb, yes?
Who you are: Unlike those liberal pansies or that sellout GOPe, you represent the REAL AMERICA! You never had shit growing up, despite being white — what the hell is this about white privilege anyway, you stupid SJWs? You know for a fact that all of society is stacked against white males — sorry, you probably capitalize it White — and never stop railing against the feminist/SJW conspiracy against you. There’s never a whole lot to do around you, because you live in REAL AMERICA and not SJW-infested Brooklyn or some shit, so you’re well-versed in the arts of online gaming, online trolling, drinking, and getting rejected by women for being creepy. Speaking of which — goddamn women, amirite? Those bitchy hypergamists are what made you take the Red Pill and have your political awakening! Also, you are done with having to apologize for Western culture, which you call White culture. You are sick of gays pushing their infernal agenda on today’s youth, and at the same time, your favorite online writer is Milo Yiannopoulos. You either own a pair of honest-to-God shitkickers, or else at least tell your friends you do. You have called someone a “cuck” within the past month. And you have gotten into a physical fight within the last week. Including if you’re female. Actually, especially if you’re female. Also, chances are decent that you’ve attended at least one Gathering of the Juggalos. Stop White Genocide!
Whom to vote for in a battleground state: Oh. My. God. It’s happening. The movement the cucks and the SJWs never wanted to happen. One of your own is on the ballot! By that we mean the NYC-native elitist cosmopolitan teetotaler illegal-alien-employing Clinton-confidant. Eh, same difference, right? #DaddyTrump
Whom to vote for in a non-battleground state: Same thing, either way. Unless they let you write in Ted Nugent. They don’t let you write in Ted Nugent? Oh well. TRUMP!