So I decided to leave the house with just a $10 bill and no wallet, to limit my spending during the day. A $3.50 bacon egg cheese in the morning, a $4 turkey sandwich for lunch and a buck 50 left over for a diet coke to meet my daily caffeine quota. Perfect!

But after I dropped the little one off, I realized: no wallet means no MetroCard. So I was going to have to UberLyft it. And they suck in my area. The first Lyft I tried kept slowly but determinedly kept moving in the… complete opposite direction. So I had to cancel that guy and try Uber.

So a cab driver saw me fiddling with my phone, correctly surmising what I was doing, and asked if I wanted a ride.

Normally I try to take yellow/green cabs whenever possible because, I know how hard they have it these days. They have six- or even seven-figure mortgages on hack badges that have cratered in value since 2012. But… remember, no wallet, no credit card, and not enough cash even if I went hungry.

But how on earth was I going to explain all this? So like an asshole, I naturally did the worst thing and mumbled something about not having enough cash to which he promptly replied he, like virtually all cabs these days, has a card reader.

Then, and I shit you not: some random lady on the corner pointed across the street and asked why I wouldn’t just go use the ATM?

At which point, I did the adult thing and literally hid behind a bus stop until my Uber driver finally presented himself. I dove into the back seat and ducked like I was under sniper fire to avoid the withering scorn of the cabbie and his volunteer advocate. For a fare costing more than the money in my pocket.

It’s not even 9 yet.